Top Ten Ways/Reasons to Avoid Spring Flu

Spring flu is the worst. I have no idea why.

What was meant to be a great week of birthday partying, Blog hopping happiness, and spreading good cheer went bad and I can't even tell you why, when, or how. One minute I was fine and the next:

Here are my Top Ten Ways/Reasons for avoiding getting sick and, if you do, how to make it through without dying.
(told with a lil humor!)

1. Don't visit sick people...unless they're dying and you can wear a has-mat mask so you don't catch whatever it is they have.

2. Don't let sick people visit you. For some unknown reason, when people are sick they love to come visit you and share their illness. It's all fun and games until they touch your stuff or don't cover their mouths in time when they sneeze or cough. Then it's all over and in a few days you'll be infected too. And yes, this is exactly one way that the Zombie Apocalypse could go down, ask Steve King. It's in his End of the World Manual called The Stand.

3. Stay away from children. They're germ mongers...I mean, they spread illness wherever they go. Want proof? Go to the grocery store and I dare ya to use that cart that the mother just pulled her snotty nosed kid out of. I double-dog-dare ya.

This translates to wash your hands a lot and keep some Purex or other germ fighting hand cream or lotion within reach so you can decontaminate yourself...or spray it on someone else that's begging for it.

4. If sick people visit you, spray Lysol around after they leave. Hell, spray it ON THEM while they're visiting. If they love you, they'll understand and forgive you. Wipe off door knobs, phones, key boards, and as many surfaces as you can with a germ killing cleanser.

5. Don't throw snot soiled tissues in your trash. Flush them down the toilet. This gets the germs out of your house or apartment. When you throw them in the trash, all you're doing is tossing a germ orgy party for the little buggers to breed and spread their infectious little selves through your house. GET RID OF THEM!

6. If you do happen to get sick, be nice and keep the germs to yourself and your own residence until you die, get better. (If you die, make sure to leave clear burial directions. Leave a note or something behind that states who gets all your stuff. Make sure the person you liked the least is the one that gets all the things you breathed on and touched the most just before you died. Pay back is a b****, here's your chance!)

7. If you sneeze or cough, for heaven's sake cover you mouth! Do it into a tissue (which you promptly flush, see #5 above) or do it into your sleeve, or shirt or whatever. Do whatever it takes to keep the germs to yourself...unless there's someone you WANT to take out, then aim well, my friend. Aim well. This will limit the collateral damage. Jus' sayin'.

8. If there is someone you'd like to see suffer share your germs with then go visit them. Touch everything within reach. Sneeze and cough freely. Be sure to get the germs into their kitchen and living room areas as these are the areas where germs party the heartiest. Oh and don't forget to give them a big hug and kiss on your way out the door as you leave. This is especially useful for that person who keeps laughing at you for being sick and saying things like: "Oh, I never get sick." (try to keep the evil cackling to a minimum on your way out the door.)

9.  Drink plenty of fluids. Soup is good. If you have a fever take a fever reducer. If you have pain, take a pain reliever. Talk with your pharmacist about your symptoms - do this over the phone so you don't spread the germs around in public, then wipe off your phone as per #4 above - he or she will be able to recommend a medicine that will help relieve your symptoms.  

10. A virus or flu can take up to six weeks to clear out of your system. The better you take care of yourself the faster you'll get better. Resting and getting plenty of sleep is one of the best things you can do for yourself.  And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take another nap because: 

Note: I'm not a doctor so nothing I say here should be construed as medical advice. 

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