In Case You Wanted To Know...

First of all, let me say that when I look at my life as a whole, I am happy. I have a very supportive husband, a beautiful baby girl, and great family and friends. I know I have many things to be thankful for and I am aware that there are others out there who have it worse than I do. When I think about all of that, it makes me happy and thankful. I also feel like you should be happy with yourself, but when I think about myself, it’s a very different story. 

To Who ever is reading, this is how I feel. These thoughts are my own but may not be super positive.
It’s normal to have dark thoughts, especially after being diagnosed with diabetes. I feel like it runs my life and I feel like if I talk about it around others, I could drive them away. But at the same time, I wish people could understand how I feel. 

Not only have I been diagnosed with diabetes, my body is healing from having a child. Mentally and physically still healing. I sought counseling and even went against my beliefs and agreed to a depression medication because I knew I needed help only to be stripped of my health care and abruptly ending the help I was getting and medication that should have been weened. Just as I felt it was helping and getting better.

I feel like a teenager again who has no control over her emotions. I feel like I’ve spent so many years of improving my behaviors and emotions only to start going backwards and I can’t help it. I felt like life was already a struggle to be happy with so many negative things in the world, but to add a disease that I will never get better from, makes it that much harder. It’s hard to be happy knowing that all I have to look forward to, is it getting worse. It scares me. 

There are good days and bad days. Good days are when I control my glucose levels and feel ok. Which since September, are days I can still count on one hand. It seems almost every day that I feel tired and sick. After all, I hardly get a good nights sleep and often wake in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. Which I learned is another side effect of having diabetes.
There are days I don’t have the strength to fight it and I just cry and then there are times when I may be bitchy for no reason. Maybe because it’s easier than being sad and I just don’t want to cry anymore. I try to control myself as much as I can. I feel guilty that I once again like a teenager, have “outbursts” of emotions, and that my poor husband has to deal with me.

Sometimes my sight will just get blurry for no reason. It doesn’t last long, but long enough to affect what I’m doing. I’m usually a forgetful person, but lately it’s been so much worse. Apparently that’s another diabetes thing, or maybe it’s caused from lack of sleep. After all, if you do the math, I technically haven’t had a good nights sleep since 2015, before I got pregnant. I might be running on fumes at this point. 

My teeth have started acting up and lately I have been having a lot of pain but there’s nothing I can do because even with dental insurance, I have to pay around $2,000 to have 4 broken wisdom teeth surgically removed so sounds like I’ll be dealing with the pain for a while. 

I feel like about once a week I have a day where I just cry about it. I have done everything I can on my own to try and manage. I have books, articles, I’ve talked to people, and even joined a few support groups but that’s not necessarily a good thing all the time. They are super supportive, don’t get me wrong, but I also get to read about issues that might someday be my own. It’s discouraging to hear from diabetics who have had the disease for years and still struggle to manage it. It’s hard to learn that because our bodies are so different and so many things affect my glucose, that what may work for me one day might not the next. This is basically a self managed disease that will always need adjusting. It’s exhausting to know that this is my life now, for the rest of my life. 

Before I lost health care, I had so many doctor appointments that I hated to hear my phone ring with reminders… Now since I don’t have health care, I’ve been winging it. 

For someone who absolutely hates numbers, that’s what my life has turned into. A basic conversation about food turns into a math test for me. “Oh, there’s that many carbs in these things and I’m already at this level, meaning I have to take insulin for this and then that…” ugh.
Going out to eat consists of looking up nutrition information and pricking my finger to test my glucose levels before I get there because don’t bother asking the waitress about carb information unless you want to get complimented on your figure and told that you don’t need to diet. I also, as unnoticeably as I can, get my insulin ready to stab myself in the stomach within 15 minutes of receiving my food. Most of the time, if I get the right spot, I don't feel it. But I usually do. My skin is sore from pricks and injections and sometimes the insulin burns. Sometimes I hurt from the injections hours after. I'm always sore in those spots now. They never seem to fully heal. 

I seriously could go on and on and feel like I already have and the sad part, is this is just a small portion of the shit that diabetics have to go through. At least myself. A sad fact is I could be in a room full of people and feel completely alone in my thoughts. I feel like every one thinks I’m doing fine and why would they think other wise when I don’t want to bother them with the truth? After all, it’s my burden to bare not theirs. So I say nothing and continue to feel alone.

That is where the positives of being in a support group come in; to share your thoughts with other people who understand where you’re coming from, because they have been there. To know for a fact, that you are not alone.

I guess I want to end this letter with a thank you to those who have been there for me. Especially lately. To those who check in on me. I am still sad, but knowing I have others to lean on for support is helpful. It’s just another thing I can be thankful for. 

If you know a diabetic, I urge you to watch this 4 minute video and share it. It covers a little bit of how it feels to be diabetic but it’s a start and I feel everyone should watch it and hopefully share it.
Thanks for taking the time to read how I feel.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing.

    (((Big Hugs))) Not helpful, I know.